For the Mamas of Young Children Still Sheltering-in-Place
I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a blog post during this pandemic for weeks now. What do my Rad Moms need to hear, I ask myself. What do I need to hear? Writing this post honestly feels like more than I can handle right now. I, like many other moms, am desperately behind, in every area of responsibility. I’m underwater in dishes, drowning in an inch of crumbs and constantly bombarded by a noise level that should be combatted with ear plugs (if I have any chance of hearing in old age).
As I wrote this piece, I was interrupted no fewer than 38,000 times with all the forms of “Mommy, can you…?”. I’ve been jarred by sudden, tearful screaming matches; I’ve had to walk away to tend to little ones who just needed some mommy time. Stepping away dozens of times, I’ve cursed under my breath and almost given up on many occasions. At one point, I stopped to clean smeared hand lotion all over my couch and coffee table. At another, I had to pause to pick up broken glass from the floor. I had to stop because my kid got stung by a freaking yellow jacket IN THE HOUSE.
I am IN IT, mamas. I am with you. But I am still called to write this. Maybe (probably) because I need this for my own therapeutic benefit. Maybe I want to give us, with younger kids, a voice and help to normalize this experience for those who feel like they are struggling alone. Maybe I just want to produce more content to counter the messaging telling us what to do this extra time on our hands.
The bottom line is… this is F*#@ING HARD. And to my friends and family who are not forehead-deep in the quarantine life with young children, I have been at a complete loss on how to articulate why this feels so utterly impossible. I can’t seem to find the words to describe the overwhelm of being intensely pulled in every direction at every moment.
I know. So many people have it worse. It’s absolutely true. Many of you reading this post have experienced terrible losses during this pandemic. Many have deeply complex feelings of grief, compounding an already impossibly hard existence. And my heart is with you sincerely. Some badass mamas are doing this alone, without partners. And to my essential worker mamas, you have my complete admiration, respect and appreciation. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I remind myself of how much worse off others are regularly and sometimes it does give me that much-welcomed perspective and appreciation. We are BEYOND blessed. We have our health, a yard, and jobs; we are making it. Our privilege is not lost on me. We practice gratitude often and it is powerful and important.
[Let’s take a second to give my city mamas a shout out. You know, the ones in the small apartments with NO OUTDOOR (and limited indoor) SPACE. I bow down, mamas. That was me only a few years back in Brooklyn. A major salute. I see you ladies.]
No matter how blessed we are and how much worse things can be, this is still INSANELY hard. I have a 2yo, 4yo and 6yo at home with me for what seems like 240 hours a day. Within the realm of social media, I feel surrounded by good-intentioned messages about how to cope with the sheltering-in-place orders, many of which leave me feeling inadequate or guilty. I, too, see other mamas, posting their best homeschooling activities and Pinterest-worthy crafts. I choose to remember that these mamas are in it too and they deserve to share with the world these moments that fill them with pride. I am also bombarded with advice like, “Enjoy this time with your kids,” and “Imagine if you were a teacher, how hard this would be,” or “At least you don’t work during the day,”. “What a great time to start a new hobby or catch up on your reading list,” they tell you. “Organize your closets” they recommend. What in the actual hell? It’s hard not to internalize these statements or feel totally unseen. I have felt like screaming, how are we living in the same world!?
The truth is, mamas with little ones still so dependent- requiring more supervision and attention- are STRUGGLING. As much of the country starts to open back up, here we still are. Many are consumed with anxiety. They can’t sleep; they can’t stop worrying. Sometimes they are painfully aware of what their worries are. Sometimes they just feel a constant turbulence from deep within. They feel lost, useless, grasping for straws, and desperate for relief. We are clawing for our normal. We are fighting to accomplish a single task, uninterrupted. Accomplish something to the finish line. ANYTHING. We yearn to recognize ourselves. We are tired of wanting to cry. Tired of feeling guilty. We want to feel vibrant again. Or even just competent.
The very nature of my coaching practice has shifted dramatically. Before COVID-19, my clients were working on finding joy in their lives through healthy life-balance (which can feel impossible even in normal times). My Rad Moms were working on developing and rediscovering their identities; they were uncovering what in life gave them a sense of fulfillment and passion. My mamas were learning to THRIVE. This empowering work seems so distant. Sheltering-in-place and the fear surrounding Coronavirus sparked an understandable shift in focus. We are no longer learning to thrive. We are learning to survive.
How can we thrive in this environment? How can we thrive when we are being asked to do the seemingly impossible. We can’t. There, I said it. My current focus with my mom clients (and myself) is on now on coping.
I often have brand new moms who come to me for coaching. My policy is that having a newborn isn’t the time to find a fulfilling life-balance and to learn to thrive. It is a time to survive. A time to focus on the basics. I ask them to come back to me after the fourth trimester. Life with a newborn is a time to cope with sudden, jarring life changes. It’s a new and endlessly exhausting, isolating, and demanding season of life (and one where you get to bathe in the joy of your new addition, of course). A time to allow yourself to focus on what truly matters.
This is really similar to what I am seeing during the time of COVID. My thriving mamas have had sudden and earth-shattering life changes. They are experiencing intense isolation. They are shifting from thriving (or working on thriving) to just learning to cope while trying to stay focused on the important things. Now in sessions, we team up to make space for them to just get through the days without crumbling. We are trying to find ways to experience joy in the little moments. We partner up and find healthy behaviors to alleviate the pain. You know, kinda like we all just had a set of newborn quadruplets except no one is getting maternity leave.
Much of my work with mothers focuses on the awareness of the “season of life” my clients are in. Every mother knows intimately (whether they are past it or DEEP IN IT) the season of having young kids is incredibly demanding. So. Much. NEED. Your kids require a ton of supervision, direction, attention, boundary setting. Little balls of need.
What do we do with the awareness around the challenges of our current “season of life”? We use it to develop a realistic picture of what life-balance can look like RIGHT NOW. When we are consumed by so much of our little ones’ need, there isn’t a ton of time to flourish in the other aspects of life as it is (e.g. areas of romantic relationship, social life, spiritual life, physical health, personal development, fun, etc.). We have to be intentional about finding a formula during hard seasons that create fulfillment. But we also must remember that this season (like all others) is TEMPORARY and as we transition to new ones, more space opens up for us as individuals.
Now add the stay-at-home orders. Add this level of overwhelming pressure of maintaining a home, keeping school-aged children on track with their work, keeping up with your own work and your career on track, maintaining a business, trying to find supplies and food, trying to find ways to do it all with a reduced or lost income. Maybe you are trying to nurse yourself and your family back to health. Let’s compound this with never-ending, simultaneous requests in every area of life. Add on the worry about how and when things will resemble normal again and when school will resume and how you will find and afford childcare. Add on the fear about the economy. This insurmountable pressure on top of the difficult demands of just being a parent and managing little ones feels so impossible. Then, for fun, let’s add on effects of lost hours of sleep. We can’t thrive like this. So STOP trying to thrive and start being okay with just surviving.
This “season” of Coronavirus is hard as HELL. But this hell is temporary. We will transition out of this season and like every other demanding one, more space WILL open up for better balance as time goes on. We MUST adjust our expectations of what we can accomplish right now.
What can you let go of? What MUST you let go of? What space can be made to allow for what makes you feel more whole? Personally, I thrive on accomplishment. For me, I was finding some satisfaction in cleaning my house while stuck here. But because my kids are at home 24/7, that cleaning began to feel like an uphill battle that I inevitably lost every damn time. The three dragons of destruction will always prevail. I was desperate to complete a task. And without fail, I’d turn my back and return to a new disaster. And that would push me over the edge. I became an unrecognizable raging banshee. I HAD to let go and ignore the draw to clean. I had to find accomplishment in other things- things that benefitted me as an individual and/or benefitted my family. Things that actually mattered. Who gives a shit about dishes.
During this temporary season, a fulfilling life-balance is basically impossible. And I have accepted this, keeping in mind that, this too, shall pass. Think about it, having quality connections with friends and family is one MAJOR KEY to a healthy balance. However, this has been completely torn from us. How can we expect to be fulfilled when many crucial areas of our lives are on hold?
I have learned a few things about being isolated with my family. Self-awareness is more important than ever. We have to become really aware of our triggers and have to have a plan to bring ourselves some relief. Come up with a few activities that fill your cup. If you used to like drawing in high school, steal 10 minutes of time, put on your favorite music and draw something. If you like to write, MAKE it happen. If it makes the individual rise, you won’t regret it. Meditate for 10 minutes. Take your kids on a walk in the stroller and listen to good music. These things matter.
With your awareness of your triggers, come up with a plan of action. If _______ happens, I will ______________. If feelings of suffocation happen, I will put on a movie for the kids and go sit on the fire escape and breathe. I will lock myself in the bathroom and meditate. I will call a friend who GETS it. I will ask my partner for help. I will allow myself a good cry. I will say f’ it all and just be fully present with my kids. I will try to soak in their joy and resilience. I will do one of those Pinterest crafts I saved 10 weeks ago (and then probably post it). You HAVE to find little things right now that fill your cup, even if it’s just a drop at a time. The more the activity speaks to your SOUL, the better. Also, exercise, damn it. Even if it’s for a few minutes. Do you know how good stretching feels right now? Mamas, you absolutely have to introduce these healthy self-care behaviors into your quarantine. They are coping skills and key to your emotional survival.
My favorite realization during this shelter in place is that my kids are not too young to understand healthy personal boundaries. What started mid-meltdown as a loud (cue banshee) demand to be left alone, has grown into really wonderful conversations about personal needs. My 6yo (and 4yo to an extent) is learning to begin to respect me as an individual with my own individual needs. We have had some really great talks about mental health and space and appreciating others’ needs. I feel proud when I model to them healthy boundaries and how to respectfully ask for what you need. Each one of my kids is now being encouraged to spend some time alone and nurture their own personal needs for space. It’s not always pretty but the seeds of honoring the individual have been planted and I plan to nurture them even when we are past this difficult period.
We are lonely, fellow mamas, but we are in this together. Others might not understand our unique struggle but trust that MANY DO. There are millions of women just like you who are with you in spirit. Let us all remember the temporary nature of our struggles. Let us please MAKE time for healthy behaviors. Let us find peace in just coping. And let us hold space for those around us who need more support. Please check in on your friends. Check in on your families. Check in on your kids. Ask them the difficult questions. Push them to open up and allow them a safe space for catharsis. But mamas, please also check in on yourselves. If you feel like you are really struggling, please reach out to a friend, or better, a professional. Like our favorite Mr. Roger’s quote, “Look for the helpers, you will always find people who are helping”. There are people out there to hold your hand and get through this challenging time alongside you. Take it. And when this season is over, we will all have a hell of a story to tell.
If you or someone you love may be experiencing suicidal thoughts, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255.
Kacey Kaufman, AKA the Rad Mom Coach, is a Certified Professional Coach and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She lives in a NYC suburb with her husband, Jeremy, and their three sweet little precious young children (dragons of destruction). She also seems to have a problem with indoor yellow jackets.
To learn more about the Rad Mom Coach, visit: www.theradmom.com
